A lack of freedom equaled the path to my freedom.
The last three months have been intense.
Understanding myself. Seeing myself as whole- never seeing wholeness in me. Just compartmentalized parts of me and accepting those little parts separately, secretly.
Compartmentalization is a subconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance(clash), or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person having confliction values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.
My seizures essentially set me free. I went from a defensive person, as a copy strategy to no longer see information (particularly what others thought of me) as neither bad nor good. No longer do I avoid, or feel the need to defend me or my thoughts. No longer am I conflicted in my thoughts of myself, based on someone else’s opinion. But I stand and face the music as it plays out, at the moment. Because through all of this I picked up some extra tools to put in my box when I need them the most. In those moments of darkness, defeat, running, hiding, shaming- that’s the moments that I can stand in a face it.
Because I took the time to really look at my life and where I want to change, where I want to be better in, but also to really look at myself and love myself.
I was able to look at how I compartmentalized my life (feeling conflicted in how I viewed myself based on how I thought others viewed me), and how I was dying on the inside to break free from that pattern I repeated in my head.
Criticism and accountability for me are hard things. Hard to take it from others. Easier to give it to myself. But without facing those two things, head on- I was denying myself the opportunity to grow with others, vs. on my own. I kept my circle small, and I opened myself open. Layer, by layer.
Speaking the words to someone you can trust and know loves you unconditionally is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give to someone. I am grateful for those in my life I have been able to break down and tell some real hard truths to.
We all need community. Now, more than ever. My wish and hope are that you have that within your community, or that you have a community. Where you can be you. Where you can stand in all your pain and anguish and allow yourself to heal. Heal through talking. More importantly, through listening (to yourself).
Listening to myself, with the time I had by myself has opened up another side of myself. A side that trusts herself. She sees herself as whole.
Freedom is never lost, once you realize that life does not fit into a box. People do not fit into a box. Binary thoughts, no right, no wrong. That is where the freedom lies for me.
What does it mean to be “whole”? What does self-love and acceptance look like? It’s unique to all of us, and for me, it was setting myself free from others' opinions of me. Or the moments that I created in my head of what others thought of me.
How do you speak to yourself? Do your words reflect love and kindness, or judgment and shame? I grew up thinking of the worst of myself and treating myself poorly. I am grateful now, that I can see myself as a whole. Not as a reflection of what others think of me, but of how I think of myself. That is was the path to my freedom.
What are you searching for to set yourself free?
