The Anatomy of the Authentic Woman
Sometimes I am in awe by how my life has changed dramatically over the last three years.
I’ve left my cushy, comfy corporate America job which drained and depleted me emotionally.
I’ve divorced my husband who was never really my match in life.
I’ve left the old identity of who Rachael was, and who I felt wasn’t even me most of the time.
I now am feeling for the first time in my life that I am exactly where I should be, and where I want to be.
When you’re raised as a good girl, to obey, to not speak out, to bite your tongue and to check off the boxes in life- at a certain point, you start to feel like you are sinking.
Surely, I was sinking.
It was 2020, the world was crumbling and so was I.
And as I saw the world crumble and myself crumble- I decided to literally leave it all.
Leave the comfy corporate job. Leave the husband. Leave the beautiful white picket fenced home full of things that really didn’t matter.
I left these things and broke away from everything I had known, and it was hard. So hard, so scary.
I packed up my whole life. My career of fifteen years. My marriage and relationship of twelve years.
Who was I now, and who did I want to be?
Inside I knew who I wanted to be.
I always wanted to be authentic myself, yet I was never authentic myself.
I was always afraid to be me.
Afraid to be judged. Afraid to speak out for fear of being seen.
Afraid I would hurt someone’s feelings with my words. Afraid I would rock the boat with my opinion. This transgressed into my relationships as well. So, I was the furthest away from living my authentic life.
I was living a life for others. I was living a life behind a mask.
After I ripped the mask off, I was scared shitless.
I placed myself into the little studio I rented and wrapped myself in a little cocoon where I felt safe.
There in my safe little space, I started to heal.
I started to learn about me and the things I wanted and the things I needed for me, to live authentically.
First, I had to learn that things are happening for me, not to me. That I am never a victim and that I had to heal myself and look deeper at me in order to really get to know me and what I wanted.
Going deep wasn’t an easy thing for me to do when I was programmed at an early age to stay at the surface.
But since I felt safe with me being alone a lot, I had the ability to go deep within me to see me. To see who I was, and who I wasn’t.
To shed the things that were no longer serving me, and to really take ownership of the things I had to purge. Whether that be people, places or things, or ideas- I had to purge them.
That was hard, and still is to this day. Because at the core, I am a people pleaser, and it feels good in the moment to know that I placed someone else’s needs above mine.
So, I had to shed those feelings of “in the moment” and think of what “would little Rachael” feel after the glow. After the people pleasing tendencies. After the impulse.
She would feel low. She would feel like shit. She would feel depleted, and she would be sabotaging herself for that moment of people pleasing.
I decided to embark on my journey of living in the anatomy of the authentic Rachael.
Stopping those in the moments of pleasing someone else and listening to my inner self. My inner child. My little Rachael who would push through and make others happy, or shut her mouth, dim her light for others.
I started to listen. To be quiet and listen inside. To block out the noise of others. Others’ opinions. To stand up for myself.
And when people would ask me questions about my life and how it all appeared to go to hell really quick (with my divorce), I started to take a stance and tell them (depending on who it was), that’s it really none of their damn business.
I used to be an open book. I used to share myself so openly with others. I now protect myself and who I share my light with and my life with. Not that I am totally guarded, but I had to learn to trust again.
After a divorce and a divorce that rocked me to my core- I built some pretty high walls. I didn’t trust men. Because I felt, when someone you love, or someone you commit to in a marriage, chooses someone else after you have given them everything (your life, your love, a child)- I felt like it was the ultimate betrayal. I also felt like the man I married would never do that to me, and he did.
I also learned that hurt people hurt people. I knew that the man I married came with a large bag of trauma. Unresolved trauma in fact. He also never wanted to talk about it, and never wanted to seek therapy until the end of our dissolving marriage.
Now I know I am not perfect, and now I see the things I did in our marriage to drive us to the end, but I also know that if you cannot heal yourself, you cannot heal another person. And I also know that carrying around a large bag of childhood trauma drags you down. It affects all aspects of your life.
Getting back to me now- I am at peace with my divorce and in all actuality- I am happy that it happened because I am free. I am free to grow without restrictions. I am free to be me. I am authentically invested in myself.
I am so proud of how far I have come.
I own my own business helping people overcome their fear of learning to swim. I hold space for those who want to free themselves in the water. I am a swim coach. I life coach. A healer.
I pay my own rent. I created a beautiful space for me and my son, both to grow and to heal. To love and to be ourselves.
I live in an environment for me where I can do whatever makes me happy. I live in the idea where everything I want happens for me and not to me.
I live in the philosophy of what will fill my soul today? What makes me happy? What will serve my highest good today? How will I stop and listen to myself?
I do not listen to others always. I listen to ME. As a person who took way more away from others than myself, their opinions and advice, I have learned that my own opinions and advice are stronger.
For me- this is my self-love. This is me putting myself first. This is me listening to that little girl and listening to her when no one else would. This is me listening to her when she was crying out when she was being silenced. This is my self-love.
So, I ask you- what is your version of self-love? Self-love can look so different for people. It’s a word that is used so often and yet is ambiguous. So, lean into it. Go deeper. Look at you and what you needed as a child, and even after. And make yourself first. Always.
